Guest author
When I was young, and even through my 30s and 40s, my parents were frozen in a kind of suspended animation. They were always ‘old’, and I didn’t really notice the passage of time. Parents’ aging moves with us; always the same number of years older.
But time, as it does, marched inexorably on, and suddenly my dad was in his 80s. Suddenly, his hair was white. Suddenly he shuffled more than he strode. He’d always walked so tall and proud, and seemed like a giant to me. “Daddy, slow down, I can’t keep up!” I’d pant, as my little legs churned to keep up with his ladder-legs.
Suddenly … my dad was old! (As a 60-something, I reserve the right to move my perception of old into succeeding decades, when it is convenient for me.) Suddenly I was walking too quickly for him to keep up, and he needed to lean on my arm from time to time.
The truth is, it wasn’t sudden. I just missed the signs. It’s partly because we lived some distance apart, and mostly because I just assumed my dad would always be my dad: constant, unchanging.
Looking back, of course there were signs. The slightly stooped posture. The slower-than-usual thought process. Thinner skin. His quiet refusal to use a right arm that was suddenly-not-suddenly feeble. He stopped playing the piano – a lifelong and very competent talent. He no longer drove, nor rode his bike. A diagnosis of dementia. These were not little things – but I didn’t dig for the meaning behind these changes.
I knew in my head that he was getting older, but my heart just couldn’t quite bring itself to see the signs. Yet it is recognizing the subtle signs of aging that gives us an opportunity for assessment, and the chance to take appropriate action early.
What to watch for
We all forget things from time to time (where is my phone?!), but it’s wise to pay attention to changes in physical, emotional, or cognitive behaviour. Do daily tasks like cooking or managing finances seem like a struggle? Is there confusion about time or place, or forgetting familiar names?
Also take note of changes in mood, such as increased irritability, withdrawal, or sadness. Sometimes these can be signs of dementia. Keep a watch for unsteadiness, or a decline in personal hygiene.
Navigating the big conversations: finances, health, and independence
Talking with your parent or loved one about aging can be uncomfortable, but it’s important to have honest conversations. Approach the topic with sensitivity and respect. Start by asking how they feel about their health and daily routines. Use these discussions to gently introduce topics like:
- Finances: Are their bills being paid on time? Do they have a plan for managing money as they age?
- Health: When was their last checkup? Are they taking their medications as prescribed? Encourage regular medical appointments and consider accompanying them when you can.
- Living arrangements: Is their home still safe and accessible? Would they consider modifications, like grab bars or ramps, to prevent falls?
Remember, the goal is to empower people while ensuring their safety and wellbeing.
Keeping joy alive: encouraging healthy habits and hobbies
My uncle always said you need three things for a good life: something purposeful to do, something to look forward to, and someone to love. It seems to me this is true in every decade of life, and it was true for my dad to the end of his.
I cherished every moment I had with my Dad, as he moved with grace through a new way of living in his 80s and into his 90s. We found a new rhythm, one in which I was more parent than child, and one that allowed me to return to him what he’d given to me: tender care, loving attention, listening with curiosity and patience.
The last time I visited with my Dad, he had a really lucid night, and we stayed up far too late, sipping fine scotch and reminiscing. It is a memory I will carry with me always, and I hope in those moments he remembered the things that gave him joy, and was delighted – as I was – by the time we spent together.
This article first appeared in Seaside Magazine in April 2025. Reprinted with permission.
